Do you have any self-imposed boxes that you feel like you have to fit into; and when you don’t, you beat yourself up and tell yourself that you just weren't cut out this this? I didn't think that I had any until tonight.
I am a maverick! I am different, and I like being different – or do I?
I know that I always question the role that God has for my life. I am not your typical “Pastor’s Wife”. I don’t sing in the choir; I don’t play the bells or the piano; I am not meek or quiet; I am not artistic (my 4-year-old is a better painter that I am); I have no decorating skills; I am not very girly (though I do love purple and pink); I am just not what you think of when you think “Pastor’s Wife”.
I wonder, how am I going to have an impact on women’s lives? How is God going to use me for Kingdom purposes? I am not a dynamic Bible Study teacher – I hold my own, kind of, but dynamic to the point of drawing an audience of thousands I am not. I am not a very good writer. It takes me forever to get my thoughts congruent enough for someone to follow my thought process and story. I am not very humorous in my writing, and I am not consistent. I will make a blog post and then a year later vow to do better only to leave my blog empty for another year. All of the “good pastor’s wives, the good women’s ministry leaders” they have everything that I don’t have. They have dynamic testimonies. They have drama in their pasts that others can relate to. I am just – plain. How can God use plain old me for His purpose?
Tonight, I came to the realization that I am the one placing myself on the outside of a box that doesn't really exist. I have created this box in my head, and I believe that others have the same box and I am not fitting into their boxes either. I am a letdown – I am a failure. I don’t measure up. These are all things that I am telling myself. But, I do fit in - I fit perfectly into God’s plan for my life – the puzzle is flipped over so that all I see is the plain, brown cardboard, but my piece fits. I just can’t see the picture on the opposite side of the plain cardboard.
What box am I in? I am in the box that God created for me to be in. Does it have a title – not yet, but it will.
I am in the box of Christian woman, wife, mother, friend, co-worker, nurse, CrossFit addict, pastor’s wife, Bible Study teacher; the list can go on and on. I am in a box all of my own – I am in my nitch – I am exactly where I need to be even though I am not exactly sure where that is at. I can’t see the big picture, but in due time I will see the beautiful picture – the puzzle will be complete and I will see what I can’t see right now and it will be spectacular – Why? because The Creator designed it.